Billie Eilish Says 'Sometimes I Feel Trapped by This Persona I Have Created,' Talks Past Romances
Billie Eilish is opening up about her physical appearance, from the way she chooses to dress to the message she conveyed in a short film in which she slowly undresses while her own voiceover slams those who body shame and pass judgment.
In a new interview with British GQ, the singer, 18, discusses her style, which has become synonymous with not only oversized hoodies and baggy clothing, but also her signature sound of being unapologetically unique and authentically herself.
"I went through a period ... of wanting to be like everyone else," Eilish says of wanting to be "normal" by attending school instead of being homeschooled by her mother, Maggie Baird. "I would only go to so-called trendy shops and wear what was considered by some as trendy. It was a very uncomfortable year. Also, because I wasn't rich, and a lot of my friends were rich, that was very hard to deal with. But that went away pretty fast; no idea why. Since then I've never felt comfortable looking like other people."
Not fitting in has allowed Eilish to independently create her own path, sartorially and musically. But at times, she says, body image issues and the way she has covered her body has affected her personal life.
"Here's a bomb for you: I have never felt desired. My past boyfriends never made me feel desired. None of them. And it’s a big thing in my life that I feel I have never been physically desired by somebody," she says. "So I dress the way I dress as I don't like to think of you guys – I mean anyone, everyone – judging it, or the size of it. But that doesn’t mean that I won't wake up one day and decide to wear a tank top, which I have done before."
Describing her signature style, Eilish says, "Sometimes I dress like a boy. Sometimes I dress like a swaggy girl. And sometimes I feel trapped by this persona that I have created, because sometimes I think people view me not as a woman."
That thought led to the creation of her much-talked-about self-written video in late May, which shows Eilish undressing layers of clothing until she is only wearing a bra. "That tour video was about all that. It is me saying: look, there is a body underneath these clothes and you don't get to see it. Isn't that a shame?" she tells the outlet in her interview. "But my body is mine and yours is yours. Our own bodies are kind of the only real things which are truly ours. I get to see it and get to show it when I want to."
As her career continues to skyrocket, Eilish says her love life has had less of a priority. "It is so weird, but I don't see it for myself. I know I will find someone eventually, but at the moment I can't visualize it," she explains. "I feel like I am a totally different person when I am with someone else. People just don’t do it for me. It's weird."
Looking back at her pre-fame days, the Grammy winner recalls longing for a romantic interest. "All I ever wanted was a boyfriend. Any time when it was rainy or cloudy, all I would wish is I was with some boy. That was my thing," she says.
"Whenever we were somewhere nice, a beach or a balcony with a sunset, I would never be able to enjoy the experience as I just used to wish I was with some boy. And I couldn’t be further away from that," Eilish shares. "I've had my heart broken, sure. People have done some terrible s— to me. The crazy s— I have gone through. I have never felt powerful in a relationship. I did once and, guess what, I took advantage of that person's kindness. I wasn't used to it. It's been months and I am not attracted to people anymore. I don't know what's going on... It's actually kind of dope."
And having children is further down her priority list. "I mean, I just don't want my kids to be a famous person's kids. I hate famous people's kids – they are so bratty!" she quips.
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