Find out how offensive you are to MILFs
Find out how offensive you are to MILFs from @PoliteAsFudge
150-years-old is the new 27 when it comes to the average first-time maternal age in the United States. And like you, I wouldn’t care at all except I’m a 35-year-old mom of three and I’m accused of being a teen mom on the daily. “You have three babies?! I thought you were 15!” is just one of many things otherwise normal people say to me all. the. time.
When I was super pregnant with my third baby, I was walking in an underground parking garage in LA with my two little kids. The valet guy came running up to me, winded, for no reason at all except to say, “I just wanted to tell you I thought you were Anna Kendrick, but then I realized she doesn’t have as many kids. Are those all your kids?”
Anna Kendrick has like, no kids, nimrod. And I’m hotter anyway.
Ugh. I know I should take it as a compliment. Living in a world conflicted between unending positive vibes and a multitude of catastrophic events, I wish I could spin everything surrounding my triggers into like, inspirational quotes because I feel kinda bad complaining about being judged for being a MILF.
Can I seriously even call myself a MILF? I mean. It is my article, so I’m going to.
I’m also going to make you take this quiz so you can find out once and for all if you’re judging Stacy’s mom for having it going on. Oh, and PS, 99.99 percent of this shit has actually been said to me. Mostly by women.
You meet a woman at an evening class — let’s say it’s like, painting or salsa dancing. She says she’s a mom of three when the class does intros and you’re shocked ’cause she looks 12. What she doesn’t say is that this is the first thing she’s done for herself in nine years. She’s just trying to be a whole person, mmkay? Do you:
a) Treat her like a real human and/or make a mental note that you too will remember you’re an individual with a soul when you become a parent
b) Say nothing but secretly judge this quasi-Octomom for not being home with her children 24/7
c) Ask her if her partner is at home, “babysitting”
You see a very pregnant woman at the grocery store. She’s just checking out, minding her own business. Do you:
a) Say nothing and/or engage in like, normal conversation
b) Ask her when she’s due while internally panicking “What if she’s not pregnant and that’s a giant FUPA”
c) Tell her how HUGE she is. “There must be twins in there!”.
You see a cute woman at the park with a couple of kids. She’s put together and she isn’t losing her shit. She also has nothing to do with you. Do you:
a) Say nothing, smile in encouragement and move on with your life
b) Ask her if she’s the nanny
c) Ask her if she used a surrogate
When Chrissy Teigan and other hot celeb moms have ‘stuff they do outside of #momlife’ you and all the internet are all about it. “Yass Queen!” But when you see the ‘girl next door version’ you:
a) Feel inspired. There’s room for everyone to have, do, and be whatever they want in this world
b) Secretly hope she’s miserable, or fucks up something big in her life, or has some kind of awful Achilles heel cause nobody should look good after they have kids. Don’t kids equal shitty titties? Where are her shitty titties?
c) Ask her, “What does your husband do”? You’re hoping she reveals he’s Hugh Heffner’s brother: old and rich. Oh, and he mail-ordered her for his fourth marriage.
You see a woman out with her friends. She is wearing a sparkly dress. You approach her and she tells you she’s married. Do you:
a) Play it cool. No harm, no foul.
b) Play it cool but think ‘married women should be home, like, cleaning’.
c) Tell her, “married women shouldn’t wear sparkly dresses”. (Yes, someone said that to me)
Mostly A’s. You were raised by Mother Theresa and Oprah. You’re a f#cking guru, killin’ it at the game of life.
Mostly B’s. You say shitty things and then have foot-in-mouth and probably beat yourself up about it later. Mama said there’d be days like this, but let’s learn from our mistakes, mmkay?
Mostly C’s. I wrote this for you, to help you be more “woke”. You are, like, so welcome.
Word to your mother. I think she’s hot, btw.
MILF, mic drop.
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